A shoulder to cry on

#crying #grief #joy #emotions #oktobenotok

Crying is a universal way of emotional expression for human kind. Any strong emotion, ranging from sadness, anger, excitement or happiness, can induce tears. One can drop tears of grief and sorrow as well as those of joy!

Crying is such a common experience that everyone of us would have cried at least once in our lives.

Crying is also one of the coping strategies that one can use to cope with life's stressors.

Despite it being a universal experience, there are some individual differences in crying. For instance, some people cry more easily than others while others struggle to cry. This can depend on a number of factors --ranging from biological to psychosocial factors (which we will discuss later).

Benefits of crying

Crying can improve personal outcomes.

Specifically, crying aids in blood detoxification as it removes stress hormones from blood.

Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins which results in one’s relief from pain and distress.Additionally, crying facilitates insight and understanding about self.

Not only does crying help with relief of pain and stress, it can also inform us about us, and our emotions and needs.

Crying can improve social relationships.

Specifically, crying can help us solicit attention from others, to get our needs met.

Just like how babies' cries can signal to others that they require some assistance and attention, crying in adulthood also serves to get one's needs met.

Crying can also promote empathy from others which facilitates mutual understanding and compassion. Additionally, crying is a display of vulnerability which aids in a sense of connection and bonding with others.

Why does one hold back tears?

With so many benefits attached to crying, one would expect tears and vulnerability to be welcomed. While there are individuals who can cry freely whenever they are triggered, there are others who hold back their tears. Below are some reasons why they may do so.

Medical reasons

Certain medical conditions can affect one's ability to produce tears e.g., Sjogren's syndrome (characterised by dry eye as one of the symptoms).

When one takes certain medications e.g., blood pressure medications, birth control pills, tear production or the ease with which tears are produced may be affected too.

Psychosocial factors

Exposure to certain beliefs and unfavourable past experiences can influence individuals to hold back tears more. For instance, if one has been socialised to believe in crying as a form of vulnerability and weakness, one may suppress tears in order not to appear that way.

Should there be unfavourable experiences such as being teased (e.g., being called names like "unmanly" or "weak"), bullying or social ostracism associated to crying or tears for an individual in the past, there may be attempts to hide tears in order to remain socially accepted.

Exposure to gender stereotypes related to crying/tears can also lead to tendency to hold back tears. This is especially so for those who had been made to believe that a given gender role is incompatible with tears/crying from a societal point of view. For instance, where males are considered weak if they cried or shed tears and comments such as "don't cry, man up!".

How to support crying and emotional expression? As mentioned, crying has many benefits. It serves as an important clue to our internal world, and provides a wealth of information we need about ourselves, our underlying feelings as well as needs. Hence, we want to facilitate its expression and tune in to them as much as possible.

Here are some ways to support this:

• Acknowledge to oneself that crying is normal and valid expression of emotions.

• Be compassionate to these tears -- "it's ok to cry. Everyone does".

• Recognise that there can be individual differences in the frequency and ease by which one cries.

• Be curious about the emotions and needs underlying those tears. For instance, when we cry so frequently that it affects daily functioning, e.g., not able to work or focus on task or when we struggle to cry even though we feel distressed, these can be cues for us to tune in more to the tears.

• Seek support from mental health professionals should there be a need to attend to the tears and possible underlying themes of grief, loss, depression and/or unresolved trauma.

Personally, in therapy, I try to hold space for tears for my clients. As the saying goes “ there is no smoke without fire “ — I see tears as an important cue for us to check in. We want to prioritise these tears in bid to gain access to the conflict or turmoil within and address any underlying unmet needs.

Rooting for you always,

Jeanice