Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

#mumslove #relationship #maternalfigures #caregivers #caregiverstress #emotionalliteracy #emotionalregulation

A gentle reminder that you are enough,

whether you are:

a soon-to-be mum;

a mum to young or adult kids;

a mum to a child with special needs;

a mum grieving the loss of a child;

a mum missing a mum;

a mum who is experiencing empty nest syndrome;

a mum who is caring for her child single-handedly;

a mum who has a village to support her in childcare;

a mum who is at the same time carving out a career for herself;

a mum of a mum;

an adoptive or foster mum;

any caregiver who takes on maternal roles, from all walks of life.

This illustration is created with intent to honour and show support to all mums from all walks of life.

As mums, we tend to do our best but unfortunately, we may not always feel the best about ourselves. At times, we fall prey to guilt (yes, mum’s guilt is REAL), regrets and disappointment. This is in light of the perceived gap(s) between our/others’ expectations of us versus the reality (that’s often constrained by real-life challenges and demands).

Many have spoken about how becoming a mother can be life-changing in terms of lifestyles, and perspectives. Yes, I’ve heard and experienced for myself how life is no longer just about us, the moment we become mothers. Some may experience how motherhood can potentially consume us and form bulk of our identities, to the extent whereby one’s needs and aspirations are put on hold in varying degree(s), for that of our children and family.

At times, mums can struggle from overload of information regarding parenting given the ease of access to resources. While knowledge is empowering, they may send conflicting messages on about how to parent. In addition, there may be expectations about how parents should behave or act. These potentially create unnecessary stress among mums.

At its worst, with limited support, the journey of motherhood can become isolating, stress-inducing, and all-consuming - which results in mums' well-being becoming adversely affected.  

Below are some supportive considerations:

- Prioritise yourself and your needs

We want to see ourselves as individuals first, whose needs and wishes are honoured and prioritised. How we are feeling about our own lives and ourselves can directly influence our propensity and capacity to care for our child(ren).

Though this new role of motherhood can change many things including our lifestyles, it needn’t define us. Our needs and aspirations have a place in our lives as much as that of our child and family. They can mutually co-exist. In fact, we can show to our child that our interests and needs are to be honoured. For instance, you can bookmark a date with your best pal for movie or spa and inform your child about it. The child receives the messages: "my mummy is capable of taking care of herself and that her needs are important too". Furthermore, you are likely to be in a rejuvenated and refreshed state after your outing, and hence, can better show up for your child and family then.

-Remember that the best gift you can gift to your child is a healthy relationship with your spouse. It is essential for parents to prioritise and work on their marital relationships as it is through this "template" relationship that children learn and model how to love and respect, work through conflict, hold boundaries and engage in adaptive communication.

-Different strokes for different folks

We acknowledge that every child is different and have unique needs and temperaments. It is definitely not "one-size-fits-all" in terms of which parenting works best, though there are more helpful approaches that can be utilized at varying instances. Given the individual differences, it requires openness, creativity and flexibility to customise approaches based on the unique parent-child relationship and temperament of child. Thus, if a current method does not work with your child, it may be time to seek out alternative ways/approaches instead. This is preferred over beating ourselves up, which can be detrimental to the parent-child relationship and bond.

-Show our vulnerable sides

We may have tendency “to be strong” in light of how we may be brought up and/or exposed to growing up. This may take the form of us hiding our feelings, and vulnerabilities. However, these vulnerabilities can help us connect with our child(ren). Without which, we come across as parenting with a missing (emotive) piece, so to speak.

We are human and hence, we can make mistakes, and it is through these mistakes that our child sees how human and fallible we are. And perhaps, this models for our child how it is possible to fail/make a lapse in life and then climb back up and go again. It sends the critical message that it is okay to not be okay too.

We may take time to own up for certain mistakes – but when we eventually do, children, at least from my experience can be exceptionally forgiving and gracious. It is in these moments where there is opportunity to connect. We are also modelling for our children about how to mend a ruptured relationship by apologising and seeking forgiveness. This sends the powerful message that the parent-child bond is much more valuable than anything else (including one's ego and other concerns).

As mums, we have the chance to not only normalise emotional expressions and feelings, but also model emotional regulation for our children, even if this was not the way we were exposed to growing up. This way, our children can learn that all feelings are valid and how to cope with feelings in helpful ways from the parents. This can then form their repertoire of emotional literacy and coping strategies. We are truly our children’s first role models. In case you feel stressed by this responsibility; know that you are not alone in this. you can always seek out support for this.

I am certain most mums can attest to these emotional ups and downs; there are instances in which we feel frustrated with our children and would like some distance away from them. Despite that, most of us adore marveling at their sweet little faces as they are enjoying food or play. There may be instances of pride as we watch their performances in school. Indeed every feeling tells us something needed in that moment, so we want to lean in curiously to these feelings...

In motherhood, we are often faced with situations where we are required to step up and take on various roles that may not necessarily be what we are familiar to e.g., first-aider, teacher, mentor, cook. These roles seem to provide us with newfound mission or responsibility in life to account for another life, besides our own. For that, I would like to commend you on your willingness to take on new roles despite the discomfort and nerves– you are truly courageous!

Lastly, the process of motherhood does not come with an instruction manual. We draw mainly from our love, resilience and adaptability in this "trial-and-error" journey, along with our "village" of support (including, our spouse). Hope the above reminders and considerations can be supportive to you in this journey, no matter which stage you are at. You get to trial, make mistakes, learn and grow with your child and you may experience many milestones for the first time together with your child. This shared experience and precious bond you form with your child can be personally rewarding though there can be ups and downs, just like a rollercoaster ride.

Rooting for you,

Jeanice

( just for laughs for this special day: if anyone told you parenting was a walk in park, he or she probably meant Jurassic park. how about that? :))