A Tribute to all mums or anyone playing the "mothering" roles

#mothers #mums #mothering #caregiving #nurturing #support #tribute #thankyou

The biggest appreciation and encouragement going out to YOU.

Yes, you, though you may feel you don't deserve it because of the so-called blunders or lapses that you felt you have made.

You may be:

a mum who's working full-time

a mum who works part-time, and cares for kids for the rest of time

a mum who's lost her child to illness, or accidents

a mum who's missing her child (due to empty nest phenomenon)

a caregiver who's playing the mum role at home

and the list of possible mother figures goes on and on. No matter which category you fall in, you deserve the recognition and encouragement and beyond that, you are doing an AMAZING job given all of your constraints and life circumstances.

Here's a realisation - that the role of mums does not come with instruction manual and that mums (and other caregivers at that) just practise on their jobs from day one on... and for many if not all, it is a lifelong learning process throughout life stages. Indeed, it can be accurate to say that mums grow and learn alongside their child(ren). Hence, it is only normal for both to make mistakes along the way.

And interestingly, as a mum myself now, I finally realise what my mum used to say, "you never stop being a mum once you become one". It is a lifelong role and one that you do not simply retire from. No matter how old your child(ren) may be, they will remain your child(ren) and our sense of responsibility/protectiveness remains. I felt that my perspective of life evolved when I realised I was conceiving a human in me - I feel responsible for another human being and this sense of maternal instinct or protectiveness started since then. And I guess this may remain for a long time to come...

The important messages to all of you playing this role:

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

I SEE THE WORK YOU DO.

Let's explore some of these "work", both visible as well as less visible ones, so that you feel more seen and validated.

This is what can go on in a life of a mum (that sometimes go unnoticed):

Your mental load can be off the charts as you not only keep in mind the current schedule(s) of child(ren) and sometimes, spouse, but also the upcoming appointments. And it is not just keeping tab of the routine/daily schedules and tasks, but also, the ad-hoc appointments such as, the playdates, birthday celebrations, suitable books to get, household inventory to stock up on. The list goes on and on, and spoiler alert: depending on life stage of your child(ren), there may be add-ons to the above list too.

Your emotions seem to resemble a roller coaster ride at times - as we observe our own mood being driven by theirs. Up one moment, and down another; sometimes less bumpy a ride than other days but oh well, still quite intense nonetheless.

The above mental and emotional load on you may translate to physical symptoms felt in your bodies e.g., aches, tension in various parts of body. At times, these may start affecting your sleep and you may feel more tired and mood gets affected. And they kick start what we call a vicious cycle.

Just a note of caution: when various aspects (e.g., work, social life) of your life gets impacted, please do consider doing something about the situation and prioritising your well-being and mental health. You can do so by seeking some support from trusted family member(s) to take over the child care responsibility while you take a me-time break and/or if need be, review your situation with a mental health professional.

After all, it is important for mums/caregivers to take care of ourselves before we can take care of our child(ren). As the saying goes, it is not possible to pour from an empty cup...

And we can show ourselves some compassion and kindness when the going gets tough or when lapses occur (e.g., when we forgot an item in the kids’ lunch boxes, or when we miss a playdate). Instead of beating ourselves up and being our worst critics, let’s treat ourselves with respect and compassion- which we are capable of showing to our close friends. In doing that, we are modelling to our child(ren) the helpful way of dealing with lapses and how to treat ourselves with self-compassion and kindness. We are afterall our child(ren)'s first role models and teachers.

More often than not, it may not be the fanciest lunchboxes, latest gadgets, or most instagram-worthy playgrounds that mattered to the child. We can look within ourselves for our favourite memories of our mums/caregivers for some clues on what truly mattered. For me, it is how my caregiver used to spend time chatting with me about my school day that made me feel valued. It can be how the caregivers made the child(ren) feel through their interaction that mattered and stay etched in their hearts. But, in order to truly remain present with our child(ren), we need to first take care of our own needs. Hope this offers you the permission to unabashedly take your me-time seriously. And do cut ourselves some slack when we are unable to provide them with the latest gadgets or neatest/most organised homes due to our life's commitments and resources.

Do take some time to consider what are some of your favourite memories of your mum and/or caregiver and this may shed some light as to what may be important to our own child(ren) or if you do not have any, your inner child can most definitely benefit from this reflective task too. Of course, different strokes for different folks - but it is for sure a good place to start...

I know that no matter what you do or not do, you are the striving for the best version of yourself. Thank you for being you. Happy Mother's Day.

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Love letter to all mums or mum figures in our lives. Happy Mother's Day 2024!

With love,

Jeanice