Are you an influencer? (Part1/2)

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Recently, news reports related to vaping, school bullying and ‘stranger danger’ incidents involving school-going children and teens had been making its rounds in the community. There are also reports on teens turning to artificial intelligence (AI) as sources of connection and comfort, instead of seeking out human caregivers and peers. These, coupled with ongoing or upcoming national level examinations (e.g., Primary School Leaving Examinations; “O” or “A” Levels) if your child is involved, can make it a rather distressing period for caregivers. Not only are we (parents) vying with our children’s peers for attention, technology and AI have since joined in the party. What a tumultuous season for parents and caregivers... This inspires my following entry to lend support to parents.

As parents, we aspire to be one of the first people that our kids approach or seek counsel from when they face any dilemmas and/or conflicts in life. At the very least, we wish to be in the know, so we can intervene or support them to make timely and informed decisions.

For infants and young children, parents are perceived as the most important people in their lives as they are mostly reliant on us for their basic needs and day-to-day living. We take for granted that our children will always be ready to cuddle with us, and want nothing more than spending time with us.  However, the truth is that this can evolve with time, as our children age. Developmentally, as they grow older, they experience major changes in various aspects, for instance, their self-concept becoming more complex, their need to establish self-identity, their peer groups assuming central importance in their lives as well as their search for identity, personalities and beliefs about particular topics. These developmental needs coincide with the time they start formal schooling (primary school onwards), and spend more time outside. As children attend schools, their sources of influence inevitably shift away from parents and family, and towards friends, and/or external influencers (whether in the social media sphere(s), or traditional sphere comprising the likes of celebrities and sport stars).

Power of influence

The influence by which these external influencers have on individuals’ behaviours and attitudes is based on the psychology concepts such as social proof (i.e., “everyone is doing something, so it must be the way to go”); authority (“if one has industry authority, I will accept their recommendations without questioning them”) and liking (“If someone I idolise recommends a product, I am more likely to buy it”). An example being the craze of Labubu which is linked to a celebrity owning a plush labubu and publicizing about it on social media. This is testament to how powerful influencers can be in influencing one’s decisions – in this case, consumerism.

In similar vein, we, as parents, strive to become one of our children’s main influencers, amidst all the other external sources of influence. Let me explain why it is important to be that for our children.

About this artwork: it depicts a child being heavily influenced by external influencers in the various spheres of influence (peers, friends, social media influencers). The child reacts unfavourably to the representation of a parent. This suggests how parental influence can take a back seat especially as school going children grow, and developmental needs become more complex and different (than before). The recent events had somewhat suggested a review of parental involvement and influence. Parents can consider stepping up and being main influencers in school-going children's lives in order to steer them towards more helpful and sustainable behaviours and outcomes.

Why do we want to be influencers for our children?

We are more aware of the potential cost of external influences (especially, when they are unsupervised) on our child’s well-being as well as our parent-child relationships.

Now may be the time that our school-going children need us more than ever before, especially in this vulnerable period and amidst the tumultuous world and terrain that they are currently navigating. They need parental guidance and support to filter through the available information, form their (personal, social) identities and make informed decisions. In light of our lived experience and knowledge of our child, we want to use them to our advantage by supporting their growing needs. We may be in the best position to guide and coach them.

For the bigger kids (read: adolescents), they are faced with a conflicting period characterized by oscillation between the need for autonomy/space and that for intimacy/closeness. This means parents need to be more flexible in their approach by offering either space or intimacy, in accordance to what they need in the moment.

To validate both their needs during this developmental period: it is the letting go of our control over them and their decisions, but NOT about letting go of our love and support for them. We seek to let them know we have got their backs by expressing our love and support towards them. Just because their needs have evolved and they appear to need you less (or at all), remember that it does not mean that it is time we relinquish influence (and love) on them. This attunement and delicate balance can create a foundation of safety and trust for our children, such that they choose to gravitate towards us to bounce ideas with, or to turn to for comfort and validation, in times of decision making and/or dilemma. As their main influencer, they lean on us to guide and steer them towards more helpful and sustainable outcomes related to their emotional literacy, identity formation, lifestyle choices, priorities, relationships and self-esteem. This is what parents can do to gain control of the situation instead of giving in to or resigning to the fate of external influences taking over.

The parenting journey can feel lonely and isolating as the other parents may appear to know it all or the journey can feel unpredictable. However, please rest assured that you can still make a difference in your journey ahead. You do not need to remain status quo or repeat unhelpful patterns of parenting that you have been brought up with. If the above resonates with you and you wish to improve relationship with your child and be one of their main influencers, do note that support is available. Whether you want to work through your own emotional literacy and distress coping so you can assist your child with theirs or learn nuts and bolts on how to be an influence for your child, you may connect with a mental health professional you trust to coach and support you on this journey. Rooting for you always!

Stay tune for the "How to be influencers in our children's lives" in part 2!

With love,

Jeanice

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References

Lajnef, K. (2023). The effect of social media influencers' on teenagers Behavior: an empirical study using cognitive map technique. Current Psychology, 31, 1-14.

Nichols, M. P. (2004). Stop Arguing with your kids: How to win the battle of wills by making your children feel heard. Guilford.

Papalia, D. e., Olds, S. W., & Feldman, R. D. (2003). Human Development, McGraw-Hill.