Navigating grief

#grief #bereavement #mentalhealth #support

This picture depicts a wilting flower. It relates to the idea of loss and grief. This blog discusses more about impact of grief on bereaved and how to support them.

In a society that values productivity and efficiency, one’s grief journey is inevitably subjected to the same expectation too. There seems to be a societal pressure to heal from grief and bereavement quickly or at least within an expected time-limit. And this can inevitably pose additional stress to those who are grieving and hurting from the loss and bereavement.

This entry seeks to manage these expectations and to normalize some of the difficulty or challenges that bereaved may experience in their process of grieving. As it is, the process can be rather painful and isolating so the least we can do is to refrain from judgement and criticisms. Hopefully, grief gets associated to no-judgement and no-time limit, and that more patience and understanding can be offered to those who are grieving.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss and it reflects connection with the significant person or thing whom we lost. Just as loss is a natural part of life, grief, too, is natural.

Though natural, grief is a topic which I wish is talked about and discussed more often. Everyone would experience grief and loss in life – of varying intensity and degree of pain involved.

Grief is unique and personal to the bereaved. It can be experienced differently by different people. The expression of grief as well as duration by which one takes to grieve are distinctive as well. Hence, there is no one-size-fits-all way to do grief.

Grief can be about death of loved ones (fur or human ones), loss of relationships, and marriage (as in divorce, separation, break-ups) or loss of pregnancy (as in miscarriage, still-birth). However, grief can also about loss of idealized outcomes (as in ideal parental figure, ideal partner; ideal life/career).

Changes related to grief

Grief is related to many changes that no one asks for. At times, grief can bring about changes that are unfavourable, or even, distressing or traumatizing to varying degree to the bereaved.

Not only is grief related to a mix bag of emotional responses such as pain, yearning, sadness, guilt, sorrow or fear, it can affect one’s physiology, cognition and one’s life trajectory.

Physiologically speaking, loss is one of life's stressors that can overwork our nervous system. It can also weaken one’s immune system, making one more susceptible to illnesses.

Grief can also change one’s belief systems surrounding mortality, safety, as well as relationships. It may also activate coping strategies that are less adaptive e.g., avoidance of places or things that may remind one of the deceased.

Grief can take a toll on current relationships. While there are friends who are capable of stepping up and being by your side despite their discomfort with loss, there are others who are less capable of supporting you or may impose judgement on your grieving process.

Given how unique grief can be experienced, the bereaved may experience all, some or none of the above.

What does the bereaved need?

The following list is not exhaustive. These are possible needs that a bereaved may have in the process of grieving.

-To feel heard and validated

“The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. “

Parker Palmer

-To be in midst of supportive social environment

(Read more about how loved ones or supporters can be supportive below.)

-To continue connection with loved ones (whom they lost)

There is a lot of fear in loss – in that, we may be afraid of forgetting the ones we lost. With time, as we get further from their death dates, we yearn never to be further from them and/or memories of them. We somehow have this fear of forgetting our loved ones and what they meant to us.

-To create meaning /symbolism related to the loss

Humans are naturally inclined to seek meaning in everything, including life, death and loss. This can be explored with a trained mental health professional, effectively helping bereaved embark on the grieving process where bereaved can move forward with life while honouring their loved ones.

“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us”

Helen Keller

How to support the bereaved?

As a loved one to the bereaved, one tends to act from a place of good intentions and kindness. However, due to one’s desire to try and “fix” the situation or to get rid of grief, it may unfortunately lead to more grief rather than support.

Let’s find out how we can be mindful, in our desire to help, to support those grieving with utmost respect and understanding.

Here are some helpful ways we can support the bereaved.

-Recognise their loss

-Be a listening ear to them

-Keep them company

Be respectful of their need for space as well.

-Acknowledge that you cannot make it better

(e.g., “I know there is nothing I can say to make this pain go away”)

-Give them time to grieve

Again, no time-limit imposed on their grieving process.

-Share a favourite memory of their loved ones (whom they lost)

For e.g., “I remember that time XYZ taught me to ride a bike. He was so patient and nurturing towards me. That's the way I will remember him.”

-Offer to run errands for them (be specific)

e.g., volunteer to get groceries for them.

-Direct them to appropriate resources

In your support for your loved ones, you may identify the need for mental health professionals to be involved in helping with their grief especially in terms of accessing and symbolising the grief around their loss. This is especially relevant for those who presents difficulty in moving forward with their lives, in absence of their loved ones and/or who are not coping with life's demands following the losses.

After all, what’s not processed can potentially get stored in the body, resulting in detrimental physical and mental health concerns which may in turn affect one’s functioning in more ways than one (e.g., work, relationships). In such instances, it may be supportive to direct them towards professional resources.

Some words of encouragement to the bereaved:

Your grief belongs to you – and you reserve the right to grieve the way you want as well as for as long as you need.

You don't have to do this alone. Do create a safe community of support for your grieving process.

This community of support can comprise your loved ones, support groups for bereaved, your therapist(s) or friends who are capable of supporting you on this journey.

You will not forget your loved ones as you embark on therapy or healing journey.

It is important to note that as we participate in therapy to work through our grief, we are not guided to forget our loved ones or memories we share with them. At least that is not the objective in therapy. Instead, we will be nurturing the parts of our loved ones that are very much alive in us as well as co-creating new relationships and connections with them.

Sending courage and strength your way,

Jeanice