RELATIONSHIP MATTERS, BUT SO DO YOU!

#relationship #individuals #identity #selfworth #youmatter

The picture shows a person sitting by herself - it suggests how important oneself is important to prioritise in a relationship. It reminds us not to lose oneself in love.

LOSING ONESELF in LOVE

The following paragraphs detail the psychological perspectives on relationships and how one can risk being excessively preoccupied by romantic relationship to the point that one loses “self” in the process.

In general, balance and moderation tend to be a helpful objective to work towards in any given situation or relationship. Specifically, it is helpful to maintain a balance between being your own person (with your unique identity, ideas and values) and being emotionally connected to others including romantic partner.

In light of the biochemistry and science behind love and attraction, it is understandable for people in love to enjoy spending time with and being proximal to each other. Love happens in the brain, as much as it does in the heart. There is the release of hormonal and brain chemicals that are related to sense of satisfaction and pleasure. This naturally rewarding cycle Is what reinforces couples to keep at the above. However, this can run the risk of the relationship becoming excessively consuming to the point of obsession, where it is unhelpful to the relationship and individuals in question.  

Due to one’s own interpersonal injuries and/or experiences, one may develop unhelpful narratives and patterns of behaviours e.g., feelings of inadequacy in absence of partner; need to give in to partners to stop them from leaving. These may play out in their own romantic relationships, and eventually, at its worst, diminish one’s individuality and self-worth.

When one’s self worth is conditional on his/her partner’s approval, it can potentially become unhelpful too. Self-worth can be seen as a set of core beliefs about our value as a human being. It is how we perceive ourselves. Ideally we want to recognise that we are worthy exactly just as we are too, rather than just base our self-worth on external factors or social approval. When our self-worth is dependent on partner’s approval, it can undermine our sense of competence, self-esteem/identity and independence. It is like our self-worth is conditional on how our partner thinks and perceives us. This need to seek an emotional “green light” from our partner may be related to our deep-rooted need to feel seen, heard and understood.  

If our self-worth is contingent on partner’s approval, we may also end up prioritising our partner’s needs over ours. This sends the message that our needs do not matter, resulting in difficulty maintaining our boundaries with our partners. For instance, we struggle in saying "no” and end up agreeing to situations and/or behaviours which may not be aligned to us. This results in us neglecting our needs for mental and physical wellness as we prioritise partner’s needs to a large extent. For instance, we may choose to attend gaming session with partner, instead of turning up for our exercise session, which can have implications not just on our social relations but also our general wellness.

SIGNS OF UNHELPFUL DYNAMICS IN RELATIONSHIP

These are the tell-tale signs of how unhelpful dynamics can adversely impact on your well being. They may suggest the need to relook your relationship with yourself and the partnership.

YOU LOSE YOUR VOICE AND IDENTITY

You feel the need to hold back on expressing your opinions /boundaries, put on a false front with your partner and agree to all of partner’s decisions and preferences. You may be doing all these possibly, out of fear of the partner’s emotional outbursts as well as fear of possible rejection from them if you fail to do so.

YOUR WELL-BEING TAKES A BACK SEAT

In prioritising your partner’s needs and preferences, yours get neglected, including the needs around mental and physical health. It may translate to you de-prioritising your sleep hygiene, diet and nutrition as well as physical fitness and wellness in the process.

YOU FEEL DRAINED AND UNIMPORTANT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

You feel that your life/schedule seems to revolve around your partner, leaving you little/no time to do what you used to enjoy (e.g., passion projects, hobbies). It is almost like all your energy is directed to your partner and the relationship making you feel drained and possibly, unimportant compared to your partner.

YOU FEEL ISOLATED FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY

You find yourself struggling to find time to meet family and friends as your partner and relationship take precedence over everything else. You may feel compelled to prioritise time with partner out of fear, obligation or familiarity.

YOU OBSERVE A LACK OF OPEN COMMUNICATION

You notice that your partner and you tend to avoid difficult conversations regarding feelings, points of conflict or disagreements, future plans or concerns within the relationship. This can give rise to possibility of misunderstanding and resentment over time as they all get overlooked and unresolved – in turn weakening the couple bond and resulting in less helpful interactional patterns.

WAYS TO RESTORE SENSE OF SELF IN CONTEXT OF RELATIONSHIP 

For a start, it is important to first be aware that the excessive focus and reliance on relationship and partner can potentially diminish your sense of self and well-being.

Do know that you are courageous to be considering a change to the way you relate to yourself and partnership in context of your relationship.

Here are some ways to restore connection with YOU while still remaining in the romantic relationships.

1)    Reconnect with and make time for your family and friends who matter to you.

2)    Reconnect with yourself and reflect about your personal values, aspiration and goals.

3)    List all your strengths, and quirks. Learn to love and embrace all of yourself – including the messy as well as the beautiful parts of yourself.

4)    Find your voice and express it – for example, what activity have you always wanted to do with your partner or friend but never suggested?

5)    Agree to disagree with your partner. You may consider suggesting an agreement with partner that both of you will communicate about disagreements, differences or conflicts in a respectful and open manner and collaboratively come to a resolution. That way, it can enhance the bond and understanding you have for each other.

WHAT DOES A HELPFUL UNION LOOK LIKE?

Here’s how I see a helpful union as potentially looking:

Such a union is represented by two individuals, with their unique personalities, values, and beliefs, joining a  partnership characterised by mutual respect and open communication. There is an intent to complement each other and grow together, in spite of individual differences and disagreements/conflicts.

While both work towards a shared future with each other, they also root for each other in working towards personal goals and aspirations (e.g., career, passion projects). Individuals in such a union get to maintain friendships and relationships that matter to them personally, just like in pre-union days. It feels supportive and value-adding to be in such a union where interdependence and attachment as well as sense of individualism and independence can co-exist in harmony.

And a gentle reminder: there are two “I”s (located some distance from each other) in the word RELATIONSHIP. This suggests that two individuals can co-exist and thrive in a union when there is a comfortable boundary and distance between each other.

And I will be ending off with a reflective question to start us thinking about our situation,

If today was the last day of your life, how would your plans for today change?

Rooting for you always.

Jeanice