Sparks in life

#sparks #sparkle #motivation #passion #ignite

Sparks represent passion, liveliness and motivation to me.

Sparks may need to be re-ignited at times, especially when they threaten to dwindle…

In the same way, our passion and motivation need to be understood, and to be reinforced (or nourished) by the appropriate conditions and ingredients – should they be on a decline…

This topic stood out for me recently in my parenting journey.

I was observing my child the other day and realized that she is often waking up on her own and raring to go on weekends whereas her behaviours are slightly different on weekday mornings. On weekdays, it often takes a long while for her to “snooze” in bed (after our morning call) before she gets up and does her morning routine of washing up, changing into uniform and having her breakfast. And this has an implication on how our journey to school and the general mood in the household felt by all involved.

Clearly the sparks are less bright and in fact, seem to dwindle on weekdays whereas they present as the brightest on weekends. To be honest, I was concerned about this discrepancy in motivation and wonder how to better support her.

Most certainly, her behaviours affected my mood on most days, and I would turn to my coping strategies to regulate the reactive emotions. After which, it usually leaves me reflective, which fuels my desire to make a shift in this as it not only affects me, her as well as the rest of family. So much is indeed at stake here.

Sure, I could choose to dismiss her behaviours as signs of rebellion, laziness or simply, being unmotivated. This can serve as potentially self-fulfilling prophecy for her – worst still, it can taint my judgement and perception and inevitably this affects my feelings and behaviours towards her. I know this can likely result in a negative (and unhelpful) interactional cycle which I don’t wish to perpetuate with her.

Another route I could go is to be a cheer leader, which I did briefly. I would repeatedly cheer her on while she’s on her bed –e.g., “let’s get up and we get to eat our breakfast!”. This is usually hit or miss in terms of efficacy – depending on whether breakfast was an enticing idea to her that day.  

With my reflective and investigative modes on, I strive to customize my approach to her needs. To do that, I need to be curious about her as a unique individual with own set of needs, struggles or obstacles– just like how I would systematically derive at in my therapy sessions. I feel invigorated to be on a mission – it fuels me – I was motivated by the curiosity and belief that I can eventually locate the missing piece.

It was an awesome challenge for me to follow and reignite her daily sparks.  

Below are the factors that may help:

Breaking the monotony of the daily grind

I reflected and placed myself in her position and it dawned on me that the cycle of “wake up—school –homework – rest —repeat next day” did not appeal to me. As the popular saying goes “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy”, I decided to break the monotony of the daily grind by bringing her to a nearby park for alfresco dining experience at times. Not only did it place us in more relaxed mood after school, this also offered awesome opportunity for conversations and playful banters.

Building connections

Through these conversations, it eventually helped with my explorations about what could possibly dwindle or ignite her sparks. She eventually opened up and revealed about her wish to spend more time with me and how she saw school as a barrier to her spending time with me. Being a psychologist, I was aware of the importance of connections and relationships in people’s life – and how it is critical to have those moments with our loved ones. I validated these feelings – especially her yearning for more time with me. This triggered my decision to set aside time with her after school where we will do things she wants – e.g., ice cream treats, grocery runs, playground fun (all of which are her favourites).

Documenting memories and ideas (e.g., journaling, drawing/stories)

I am mindful that there may be days I am regrettably unable to be as present with her as I would like to – due to various circumstances in life.  For that reason, I introduced her to the world of recording memories, ideas, and experiences in the form of stories and/or drawings, with intent to share with loved ones at a later time.  This concept of journaling and story creation to document the marvels of her school and personal life experiences seems to be well received by her.  

So far, I observed that she seems to embrace her experiences in life – both ups and downs more playfully and mindfully– from the lens of a storyteller and artist all merged into one. She then shares these amazing stories of her life with us whenever we chat.

Identifying what can re-ignite her sparks

Through our conversations, she shared about her interests, goals, and likes/dislikes.

One example - she spoke about the kind of person she wants people to know her by – i.e., someone compassionate. We spoke about ways in which she can work towards this aspiration. I could feel the sparks re-ignited as we spoke – as I witnessed the sparkle in her eyes as our discussion continued.

This above artwork is done by my child; it is entitled "fire flies". Thought it is quite apt for this entry on Sparks.

The mornings in our household have since become more relaxing and joyous, at the very least. It is still work in progress to help her to continue igniting or sustaining her sparks over the long term. This is truly a humbling experience for me, the entire process of figuring out and supporting her in the most individualised and compassionate way.  

This process of helping my child through the lens of curiosity and compassion, though it appears to benefit her, it most definitely educated me on so many levels, as a parent, individual person and as a therapist too. She certainly taught me more than any textbooks could – and it also affirms the saying “different strokes for different folks”!

I hope this resonates and can support anyone who may need a boost to their motivation right now. However, if you need guidance and further customization to your life situations where reigniting your spark is concerned, you know where to reach out for me!

Wishing you well always,

Jeanice