Grieving the loss; holding the love.

In commemoration of the National Grief Awareness day, this post is intended to raise awareness about grief. With increased awareness, hopefully, we can be better informed as a society and be more compassionate and supportive to those grieving a loss.

This art depicts how grief doesn't simply disappear with time. It is a weight that many may never understand that's underneath the smile. With support, you learn to carry it in a way that makes space for restored purpose and hope in life.

Grief is derived from a latin verb “gravare” which means "to burden" or “to make heavy”. This encapsulates one's experience of grief: a sense of heaviness, as if one is held down to ground. Lewis, in his 1961 memoir “A grief observed” that was written after his wife died, shared: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”. This can liken to being untethered in the world without the attachment that would have grounded one. Yalom (2021) in “A Matter of Death and Life” noted this after his wife Marilyn died: “it is a matter of learning that something can have value and interest and importance even if I am the only one who experience it, even if I cannot share it with Marilyn”. As shown, one may question one's reality and existence when one is no longer able to share life with the significant person.

Grief is experienced when there is loss of lives (e.g., deaths of loved ones or pets), jobs or (mental or physical) health, as well as in relationship endings (e.g., breakups or divorce). For example, when one grieves the death of a spouse, one is not only grieving one’s loss of connection with the other, but also, grieving one’s loss of identity (in this case, from being a spouse to widow/widower) and potential future with this person.

In line with the mind-body connection, grief can impact both our brain, as well as our body. According to O’ Connor (2022) in her book entitled “Grieving Brain”, she discusses how “implicit beliefs in persistence of our deceased loved ones may interfere with learning about our new reality”. For instance, while episodic memory informs us that our loved one is gone, our implicit knowledge insists they are not. These conflictual information from cognitive systems can inevitably lead to confusion when our loved ones die. The good news, however, is that our brain is capable of being updated, over time, as we learn to live with their absence in this world.

In her book “Grieving Body”, O’Connor (2025) shared that “when our loved ones died, their inputs which invisibly regulated our body, are torn away all at once”. This dysregulation due to absence of loved one’s smell, and touch can manifest behaviourally as “mental fog, fatigue, restlessness, lack of appetite and inability to sleep”.

O’Connor (2025) found that grief can increase risk of cardiac events shortly after loss, especially in the initial few weeks. Schultze-Florey et al (2012) also informed that there is increased inflammation in bereaved research participants as compared to non-bereaved participants. It is noted however that not all develop illnesses after death of loved ones. The stress of bereavement, accompanied by increased inflammation, can accelerate existing vulnerability. Grief and bereavement rank one of the most stressful life events. It can be associated to release of stress responses in body (e.g., cortisol hormones), which can have health consequences if stress remain persistently high over long term.

The impact of grief on body and brain is normal experience for grieving individuals. The wonders of body/brain is we are capable of adjusting, healing and learning over time.

This is however different from intense grief, that persists over time. It is characterised by overwhelming sense of yearning or preoccupation with the deceased, significant emotional suffering and associated functional impairment in daily life (Thimm, et al, 2020). This also sets the stage for persistent inflammation (O' Connor, 2025), that can have unfavourable health outcomes.

In addition, one’s response(s) to grief (i.e., coping strategies) can sometimes result in further health concerns. For instance, if one, in his bid to cope with grief, engages excessively in alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking, and/or working beyond body’s physical limit, these can take a toll on one’s health. Such responses may temporarily help individuals avoid feeling the overwhelming pain in grief. However, over the longer term, the avoidance only suppresses the pain and grief, resulting in them being manifested behaviourally and/or as health concerns.

Below are alternative ways to consider. The key is to create space for grief - for expression and exploration in our bid to rebuild our life around grief. Our feelings, including grief, deserve to be allowed space for expression and understanding. After all, the way out of pain is through it. We seek to attend to pain, rather than escape from it.

It is essential for bereaved (and supporters alike) to continue mentioning the deceased’s name and sharing personal experiences with the deceased. These can be an especially beautiful way of honouring the deceased and affirm their relationship. Of course, such conversations can result in tears and grief but it provides an opportunity for their grief/love to be witnessed.

There is no one correct way of grieving. Some individuals talk about their loss(es). And alternative creative outlets through which grief is expressed can include, dance, drama, art, and/or music.

Social factors e.g., stigma attached to certain deaths can result in individuals undermining certain losses, and considering them as less valid compared to others. For instance, when loved ones died by suicide, bereaved caregivers may feel less entitled to grieve due to stigma involved. So, it is important to recognise that all grief is valid as long as loss is significant to you.

Be mindful of your tendency to pass judgement on one's own grief. It is common for bereaved to judge their own feelings - “I shouldn’t be feeling this way..”; “I am not doing grief correctly”. Recognise that there is neither time-limit nor clear linear progression to grieving. Instead, normal grieving can feel like it's oscillating from one end (read: living life) to the other (read: broken mess): a bereaved can be laughing and enjoying a meal one moment and in the next, she feels an intense heart ache and sobs uncontrollably as good ol' memories with her deceased person creep up on her.

Bereaved individuals are generally fearful of forgetting their person.  It is important to note that relationship with deceased does not end in death. Milestone events e.g., death or wedding anniversaries, can be particularly difficult for bereaved individuals. On the day, bereaved can consider engaging in significant activity (e.g., cooking deceased’s favourite food) in honour of loved ones as part of maintaining “connection” with and remembering the deceased.

Social support is essential. Surround yourself with your tribe who can help for emotional and/or practical support. If you need additional support for your old wounds or overwhelmingly difficult feelings (e.g., guilt, regret, fear) that surfaced from the loss and which impair functioning, please know that grief-informed support is available here.

For those who want to read more grief-related information that I have on my previous blog, check out https://www.brightpsychoflife.com.sg/post/navigating-grief.

I would like to end off with a quote and reminder by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.”

Sending strength and courage your way.

Rooting for you always,

Jeanice

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References

Lewis, C. S. (1961). A Grief Observed. HarperOne.

O’ Connor, M-F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne.

O’ Connor, M-F. (2025). The Grieving Body: How the Stress of Loss Can Be an Opportunity for Healing. HarperOne.

Schultze-Florey, C. R., et al. (2012). When Grief Makes you Sick: Bereavement induced systemic inflammation is a question of genotype. Brain Behaviour and Immunity. 26(7): 1066-1071.

Thimm, J. C., Kristoffersen, A. E., & Ringberg, U. (2020). The prevalence of severe grief reactions after bereavement and their associations with mental health, physical health, and health service utilization: a population-based study. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 11(1).

Yalom, I. D., & Yalom, M. (2021). A matter of Death and Life: Love, Loss and What Matters in the End. Stanford University Press.