Navigating the HIGHS and LOWS at Chinese New Year celebrations

#cny #expectations #traditions #bonding #stress #grief #itsoktobenotok

Chinese New year (CNY) is around the corner! In fact, it is happening in a few days’ time!

This is typically a season when family and friends gather together for feasting, toasting, merry-making and conversations.  It is often characterised by steamboats, “prosperity toss” (also known as ‘yusheng’), exchanges of red packets, and visitations to one another’s homes. Some may look forward to the traditional snacks and goodies unique to this festival as well as consider these gatherings as a timely catch-up with relatives and friends. On the other hand, it can be an incredibly overwhelming, anxiety provoking and grief-inducing period to some.

This picture depicts the multifaceted nature of celebrations, in this case CNY - it is associated to a wide array of feelings being experienced ranging from excitement, joyfulness, fulfilment to overwhelm, stress, loss and grief. We want to validate all emotions and recognise that we can make space for and navigate with all of them amidst the celebrations.

Pressures from societal and familial expectations of how our lives SHOULD look like can result in overwhelm and stress in individuals.  Often, there is expectation to align our lives with the themes of abundance (of food, new clothes, resources), promotion (in personal and professional aspects) and traditional family structures. For instance, in the personal aspect, promotion can be a shift from singlehood to having a partner or marriage; from child-less couple to parents. Working individuals are expected to reach certain career milestones or hold a certain job. In the event individuals do not fit in the “norm”, they may unfortunately be frowned upon or be subjected to intrusive questions and unsolicited advice, which can  elicit distressing feelings in them.

The financial burden related to red packets, food, decorations and travels (for those who are flying back to their families abroad) can be substantial, thus, causing significant stress.  One of the questions related to red packets may be, “how much to gift?” (notice how this question suggests the concern about social expectations of how much is appropriate).

CNY can be a bittersweet time for those who have experienced loss and separation. CNY’s emphasis on family and reunion can highlight the grief responses among those affected.

The spirit of coming together and enjoying meals together as a family can inevitably trigger the memories of deceased loved ones. For instance, the memories can take the forms of missing their home-cooked goodness; their stories or just their presence or energy. Despite experiencing these intense feelings, do we then choose to stay or leave a party? More often than not, we feel compelled to stay despite the discomfort, for others’ sakes.

Now that we have become aware of the mixed bag of emotions during CNY celebrations, here are possible ways to navigate the highs and lows with mindfulness and grace.

-Validate our feelings

It is important to first acknowledge that the feelings we experience during CNY are all valid and informative to us. Next, we recognize that it is not easy to feel all these and that there may be tendency to cope in various ways e.g., distractions with gaming or food; social support.

-Set healthy boundaries

While one can mentally prepare oneself for the potentially unsettling and disarming topics by the usual “suspects” at gatherings, the array of awkward advice and intrusive questions can still cross one’s boundaries in turn, resulting in distress. With regards to this, ideally, we would like to directly express the discomfort to the other party. However, this can run in conflict with the Asian culture where any variation of assertive communication can be misunderstood as “disrespectful”. In light of this, one can consider attempting to change the subject to a more neutral topic, expressing gratitude for their concern and showing interest about them/their lives instead. After all, conversations are most fulfilling when they are a two-way street and this is aligned to the true spirit of CNY – i.e., bonding and getting to know one another better.

In light of setting boundaries, we want to be mindful of our boundary of time too. This may translate to spending time on who and what matters to us most this CNY. It may take the form of you leaving a gathering and/or putting an end to conversation which is no longer serving you or which becomes excessively draining.

-Review our perceptions  (based on cultural heritage, traditions)

Our perception of a given situation can affect our behaviours and feelings. In the context of CNY, we can reflect on the cultural traditions and heritage behind CNY activities and that can inform/change our perception and experience of a given activity.  

Take for example, red packets are a cherished tradition characterised by gifting good luck, prosperity and wisdom from one generation to the next. This hopefully eliminates the stress of social comparisons of “who is most generous” or “who collects the most red packet money”.

The CNY gatherings or reunion meals are traditionally meant to promote mutual understanding and bonding among family. Bearing this in mind can then reduce the pressure of attending them like a “performance appraisal“ or “job interview”. We may then see conversations as platform to learn more about each other’s passion, favourite hobbies, keeping in mind that the focus is on them as a person, instead of their social standing or pay-check.

We can perceive the awkwardly dished comments/questions posed to us as stemming from concern and this allows us to respond from a space of gratitude and grace. For instance, as a follow-up, we can offer an aspect of our life that we are comfortable about, allowing them an insight into our lives. And for some of us, we can potentially be the difference to make a difference. We can now choose to be the relative we wished we had when growing up and be mindful about the conversations we have with younger relatives.

Lastly, for those who are keen to read more about my related post on “making space for grief”, do check out the following link:

https://www.brightpsychoflife.com.sg/post/making-space-for-grief-in-festivities

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL - regardless of how you would be celebrating it. 

Let’s embrace you, your needs and boundaries unapologetically this CNY, with the comfort of knowing that those who matter won’t mind and those who mind won’t matter anyway!

Sending you lots of love,

Jeanice