RELATIONSHIP DE-CLUTTERING: Review, Remove, and Recharge! (p3/3 of series)

#socialcontact #springcleaning #de-clutteringrelationships

A photo taken of several characters from my personal collection. I intend it to depict the energy levels of different characters from different walks of life. Can you identify who may be feeling drained or needing a recharge?

In this post, I am discussing de-cluttering, and this time, I will extend the discussion to social relationships. In this next few paragraphs, I will explore the importance of social connections and belongingness in one’s life.

Why do PEOPLE need PEOPLE?

Human beings are generally hardwired to be social – in fact, we are often known as “social beings” and there is a saying that goes, “no one is an island”. These suggest the importance of social relationships. The following paragraphs depict some of these benefits of social interactions and connections.

Research has shown that having strong social connections is vital to our health, specifically reducing risk of chronic diseases such as heart diseases, cancer as well as boosting our immune systems. People who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression (Choi, et al, 2020). A 2022 study (Løseth, et al) also found that social support bolsters one’s resilience in stressful situations.

Consistently, in the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belongingness are one of the categories of needs identified as essential for human beings. Despite the apparent importance of connection and intimacy to people, we want to be mindful about the appropriate people in our lives as the quality of these relationships, it seems, does matters too!

The people you surround yourself with matter!

Forging and maintaining relationships take effort and consistency. The pleasure, comfort and health benefits one can get from social support make it worth the while.

Supportive friends tend to celebrate your successes with you and help you realise how amazing you are and what are the strengths and areas that you can contribute to the world.

Unfortunately, not all whom you keep around serves or supports you. There are some who may drain and/or pull you down instead.

A renowned social psychologist, David McClelland, posits that the people we associate regularly with, also known as “reference group”, play an instrumental role in determining our achievements in life. These can include friends, family members, colleagues or mentors who influence one’s thoughts, behaviours and outlooks to life. Some of these people can support your journey through valuable connections, offer knowledge or expertise on a subject matter and help propel you forward in your life’s purpose. On the contrary, there can be those who may stifle your growth or limit your trajectory in life.

REVIEW your energy level; know who /what to keep or discard.

First, it is essential for us to take a moment to reflect and evaluate the impact of our reference group’s presence on our mindset, behaviours and trajectory in life. We can reflect based on our core values and beliefs which in turn helps us identify the  influences that contradict or align with our values and principles. And from the energy management perspective, we consider those who “drains” us versus those who “powers us up” (read: motivate or inspire us!). And accordingly, we decide how to respond with each group of people.

REMOVE life’s negativities, and toxicity that limits our potential/outcome.

With the influences who tend to exhibit negativity, make us feel more inadequate than we really are or contradict with our values, we can consider limiting contact or time with them given how they can drain our energy without any benefit in return.

We may also consider communicating with these individuals about how their behaviours made us feel and set boundaries for the relationship moving forward.

However, for relationships that are characterised by excessive negativity (in form of abusive and/or toxic behaviours and interactions) and where fear is the mainstay of emotion involved, individuals may want to evaluate if there is a safety concern which requires support from the legal system (police, court).  

RECHARGE by aligning to life-giving, value-adding activities and people.

On the other hand, for those who uplift or celebrate us, we may invest time and energy in them to reciprocate the support and in turn perpetuate the supportive cycle (relationship).

In order to further protect our energy from negativities (e.g., ruminations, worries, self criticisms), we can explore self-care practices, self-compassionate practices and emotional regulation techniques.

In the same vein, I previously wrote on relationships and how though relationships are important, there is a risk of losing oneself if one is too consumed by them. Some tell-tale signs of unhelpful dynamics/energy in relationships and ways to restore sense of self (or your life) are discussed in the post. Check out if you are interested to read more: https://www.brightpsychoflife.com.sg/post/relationship-matters-but-so-do-you

Benefits of de-cluttering (of social relationships)

After we limit or remove toxicity and negativity from our social contacts, we effectively make space and time for people who matter and are supportive to us/our cause. We are better able to invest more (of our limited resources) into these relationships that are mutually fulfilling, value-adding and life-giving. Essentially we become additionally present and show up more adequately for our people and that way, we curate a reference group in which we can mutually influence one another in helpful ways towards favourable outcomes.

By limiting social contact with those who “drains” us, we regain capacity and resource/energy to focus and work on what matters, be it our career, hobbies, or personal growth and development. Perhaps that way, we end up making progress in areas that are value-adding and meaningful.

Being surrounded by our people who respect and appreciate us can boost our self-esteem and improve our overall sense of self-worth and image too.

Stress incurred from being in toxic/unhelpful relationships can take a toll on your physical (and mental) health. Hence, as we either eliminate or limit them from our lives, the stress level can reduce accordingly. This, coupled with improved sleep quality, can lead to better health in general.

Just a gentle reminder that you deserve to protect your limited resources and to invest them on people who matter and are worth it, which will go on to influence your health, well-being and alignment to goals/values.  

So, take a deep breath, reflect, and review the relationships you have in your life.  For those life-giving connections that serve us, we keep them and set healthy boundaries if need be, whereas for those life-draining ones, we can choose to reduce their impact on us by limiting contact with them or removing them from our lives. Importantly, we aim for nett positive on our energy levels not just by removing the negatives, but also in increasing one’s energy. And one can achieve this by integrating supportive systems into our lives, by means of setting boundaries where needed, regular engagement in self-care activities (such as journaling, deep breathing, mindfulness) and engaging in energy-boosting activities (e.g., rest/breaks, hobbies /personal projects, balanced diet, adequate exercise). 

In summary, we REVIEW, REMOVE if need be, and RECHARGE our "battery"! Your future self will thank you for this!

Here for you,

Jeanice

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References

Choi, K. W., Stein, M. B., Nishimi, K. M., Ge, T., Coleman, J. R. I., Chen, C.-Y., & Smoller, J. W. (2020). An Exposure-Wide and Mendelian Randomization Approach to Identifying Modifiable Factors for the Prevention of Depression. American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(10), 944–954.

Løseth, G.E., Eikemo, M., Trøstheim, M., Meier, I. M., Bjørnstad, H., Asratian, A., Pazmandi, C., Tangen,  V. W., Heilig, M. ,& Leknes, S. (2022). Stress recovery with social support: A dyadic stress and support task. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 146:105949.

McClelland, D.C. (1985). Human Motivation. NY: Cambridge University Press.